Objections again!

My bf’s trip to S’pore 3 wks ago was a gd one for us but not my family.
Things turned out very badly at home. I’ve been trying very hard to keep a positive outlook & put all the disappointment & sadness behind me. I’m on a work, food & shopping therapy now.

During our 1 year of dating, my family never raised any objections. In fact they seemed supportive. The day he left, my parents didn’t see him off. They slept early coz my mum had been crying before (he didn’t know about it). I felt very sorry for him. His was a midnight flight, so he asked me to leave for the airport earlier so that my parents wouldn’t have to stay up late. It broke my heart to tell him nobody’s seeing him off except me & my sis because they’ve all gone to bed.

He knew something was wrong. Before we left for the airport, he told me he sensed that my mum doesn’t approve of him. He said he’s failed in his trip here, that he couldn’t bring up the topic of our future plans & also didn’t leave a good impression. I didn’t know how to answer him. I was still in shock over my mum’s reaction (which was after dinner on the day of his departure).

And he added “If your mum/family objects, will you still come over?” I didn’t need to ponder over that…… it’s an immediate “Yes”. We’ve gone thru a round of objections from his parents earlier & resolved to make this work. I’m not going to let my family spoil our future.

The day after his departure came the full impact of the objections. My mum went insane. Yes, really insane that she had to be sent to the hospital. I wouldn’t go into the details, except that we all had to see the psychologist after that. She’s out now, but we don’t know when she’ll suffer a relapse. Maybe when I leave for Japan next year…..

She’s been controlling my life since young. Now it’s time to let go. It’s difficult for parents to let go their children, who’ll always be considered as young & ignorant in their minds. However she cannot expect me to find a guy that meets all her expectations. If he does, maybe she should marry him instead. I hardly talk to her now. I don’t know what to say to her & feel very uneasy around her.

Our relationship has been strained since young. I’m a person who needs a lot of freedom & independence to do my own things whereas she’s the authoritarian who wants to control everything & everyone. We’ve the worst relationship at home. This matter just makes it worse.

What’s upset me most is the realization of how my family & friends view me. Everyone’s subject to their own opinions & belief. I can’t expect them to encourage me if it doesn’t make sense to them. However I wished they tried to understand & trust me more instead of imposing their opinions on me.

They didn’t trust my judgment. They felt I don’t know my bf long enough to know if he’s the right one. They felt I’m too good for him and wondered if I was so desperate that I had lowered my expectations for him. They felt I was too blinded by love to consider bread & butter issues. And they didn’t believe that I could survive the hardships with him. My friends even went as far to ask if I’m choosing him just so that I can live my dream of living in Japan.

My family was upset that I could throw them behind to go somewhere far away with a guy I’ve been with for only 1 year+. They seemed to have forgotten that the one who’s most upset is me, coz I’m the one who’s going to face loneliness there, not them. I’ve thought thru things like job, lifestyle, finance, culture etc. It’s really scary to be going away to a foreign land. But I’ll not give up without even trying. And I’ve confidence in myself & my bf to help me overcome the obstacles in Japan.

Marriage is a life-long commitment. We’re committed to make it work. However if things turned out badly & we spilt (touch wood!!), I’ll not live in regret because I know I’ve tried. I’d rather live with the consequences of trying than live in regrets of not trying. No one can guarantee that all marriages will work out well, or whether wealth & status will remain for good. So what difference does it make whether I marry a local or foreigner? Does it matter whether I’ve dated him for years or not? Aren’t we all familiar with cases of couples who’ve dated for years and divorce soon after marriage? As for guys with careers & money, are they all headed for divorce if they are retrenched or in debts?

I told my colleagues about this & realized that I’m not the only one around. The 3 of them faced objections too. One married someone from a different race, another married an Australian, one married someone of a different caste. They are now happily married for years & proved to their parents that they’ve made the right decision. I’m encouraged by their stories, esp. the colleague who married someone from a different race. Parents from both sides objected strongly, so they simply registered their marriage to shut them up. They’ve been married for 15 years now. Although her family still can’t accept it, her mother-in-law has accepted her in recent months.

I don’t know when they’ll ever accept this. It doesn’t really matter so much now because the hurt has been done. I’m past the phase of hoping for acceptance. I just want the freedom to live my life the way I want it & pursue my own definition of happiness.

Btw, have you heard people say about realizing who your true friends are in times of trouble? It’s really true.