Mind your own business

I don't understand why some people just can't seem to accept the fact that I'm happily in a relationship now.

Yes, i admit it's a little shaky because my bf always goes missing and I'm the type who demands 100% attention. But we've worked this out naturally. Or rather I've learnt to manage my expectations. We're still together ~ happy & in love. However we've no concrete plans for the future yet.

Anyway, back to the topic on why some people just love to kaypoh. My ex-boss kept asking me to consider S'pore guys instead. So did 1 of my ex-colleague who's now enthusiastically planning a dinner outing to intro her male friends to me. She had been psycho-ing me for weeks to get a S'porean bf instead because she felt that I'm suffering in this long-distance r/s. And yesterday my other colleague also asked me to reconsider. She knows I'm very serious about my current relationship, but told me to reconsider. She reminded me that I'd be in a different country, different culture etc...

How many times must I tell these kind souls that I know what I'm doing?

I know he's financially unstable now. No career too. Can't speak English. Can't survive in Singapore. I've to go over. No tai-tai life over in Japan for me. Limited jobs for me. Struggle with the language & culture. I was aware of these before I put my 100% into this relationship. I am aware of the challenges in keeping this long-distance r/s going.

I'm not giving up. Not now. We believe there is a future for us and we're working towards it. I want to hold on to this hope & future.....

Bad start

Monday blues. Tuesday blues. Everyday BLUE :(

Most of my colleagues weren't in a very good mood yesterday. Monday blues, made worse by our manager. So lunch was all about manager. Gossips, gossips & more gossips. She's quite a nice lady. However when it comes to work, it can be quite challenging because we've to find the missing puzzles to her instructions, and that is if we understand her instructions in the first place!

Low morale. One bubbly one leaving this thursday. Another bubbly one leaving 2 weeks later. This dept is already quite "lifeless". Without them, it's gona be worse. Will the newcomers be able to inject more life into this dept?

I had a good chat with my colleague (who's leaving) about my frustrations at work. And she admitted that the person before me left due to similar reasons. She encouraged me to move on to a bigger role, a role that's more HR in nature rather than staying in this administrator role. I hope I can move on too.... but looking at the current market now... haiz... guess I've to patiently wait till after Chinese New Year. But I don't know how long i can last. My manager's driving me crazy!!

Really bored at work today. I had things to do but it's the usual "brainless" tasks ~ prepare/send letters, filing, sort out some database spreadsheet.... SIGHZ.....

Personality Test

Tried out a personality test today.... here's the results:

Your answers suggest you are a Nurturer

The four aspects that make up this personality type are:

Summary of Nurturers
Care for the important people in their lives
Strive for harmony and avoid confrontation
Think of themselves as gentle, conscientious, and mature
May have trouble making decisions that could hurt others

More about Nurturers
Nurturers are quiet people who believe in order and diligently look after the people they care about. They focus on the needs of others and establish routines to help them meet their commitments.

Nurturers are the most likely group to say they prefer a job where the same thing happens every day, according to a UK survey.

Nurturers remember details that are important to them, such as their friends' birthdays and anniversaries. People with this personality type value others' feelings and may challenge behaviour they think is insensitive.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Nurturers may feel bitter and seek support by complaining to their colleagues. Under extreme stress, Nurturers may become preoccupied with the worst possible outcome and believe that they are heading for disaster.

Because they are so caring and loyal, Nurturers run the risk of being taken advantage of.

Nurturer Careers
Nurturers are often drawn to jobs that allow them to help others.

It's important to remember that no survey can predict personality type with 100 percent accuracy. Experts say that we should use personality type to better understand ourselves and others, but shouldn't feel restricted by our results.

So, think it's true? Is that my personality?

Try it out for fun too! http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/index_surveys.shtml

Another resignation

In the one month I'm here, 3 colleagues have resigned. Half of those left are new. And there will be another batch of new colleagues to replace the 3 who resigned. What's wrong? Why is the HR dept's turnover so high? I wish I'm the one leaving....with a great job waiting for me... Sighz...I'm still stuck here.

Rotting at work

I can't believe it! I've been doing almost nothing for my past 1 month at work!!

I spend hours surfing the net, chatting online not because I want to "eat snake", but because I'm bored. I've nothing to do at work, except for filing & typing letters ocassionally. I feel stupid. I find myself becoming lazy. If this carries on, I'd lose the work momentum & end up lazing at work. In fact, I think I'm showing signs of losing the "work energy". I no longer feel a sense of urgency for things I do.

This is a big "branded" company with a workforce of 800 & a big HR dept. I thought there will lots to do, lots to learn. I like being busy. I like to multi-task, with tonnes of work screaming for my attention. I like to be empowered to make decisions, be in-charge of something. I thought being a HR Administrator here, I'd have the chance to experience all of the above since I'm supporting the 4 HR Generalists & 1 HR manager. I was wrong. All I've done in the past month was filing, filing & more filing. Most of the time I'm just surfing the net, chatting on line, acting busy.

I can't accept a work scope like this. It insults my ability & intelligence. I've reached my limit. I'm now searching for a better job, something with better prospects. It wouldn't look good on my resume that i have so many contract jobs, and I resign from this one. But what's the difference anyway if I stay on and all I can write about my experience here is "Filing & typing letters"?

Haiz... now year end... no good jobs around :(

Time to improve English proficiency! Or Japanese?

I've never been very good in English. My "peak proficiency" in English was during my JC & University days where i had to write essays. After graduation, my standard dropped steadily. During my studies in Japan I had to brush up a little because i was teaching English. Once that ended, I'm back to square one.

My friends & I had discussed this issue before ~ it seems that I'm not alone. We're speaking more Singlish than before. And we can't even express ourselves well in English w/o tripping over words. After my 2 weeks trip in Japan where i read books to kill time, I didn't touch any more books until last Saturday...

Last thursday I went for a proficiency test set by the school who's offering the "Certificate in Teaching English as Foreign Language" course that I'm keen to take up. I'm shocked by my proficiency. I passed the grammer section (35/40pts) but barely made it for vocabulary (11/20pts). The teacher told me "Read more books!!".

On Saturday i went to the National Library at Orchard. I was at a loss. I didn't know what books to borrow. I used to read novels, but recently i've very short attention span for novels, so went to the magazine section. Hardly any magazines were available for loan (all display copies only). I went back to the books section again. There was a trolley of books (just returned books) crowded with people. I joined in the crowd and managed to grab 4 books.

Just done with one novel last nite ~ "Just Like Heaven" from the movie of the same title. Not too bad. I liked the part where the guy recalled his late mother's last words to him & her letter to him. The contents were very meaningful. I had wanted to watch the movie, but after reading the book, i think i'd save the trip.

Hmm.... which of the ther 3 books shall i start on today?

And I've another problem ~ I need to improve my Japanese proficiency in order to communicate better with my bf & his family. So I read Japanese comics, write emails in Japanese & watch Japanese dramas. However this causes confusion ~ I find myself forming sentences in English using Japanese grammer! *faints*

Like dat how??

5th Nov 2005 ~ The Fairytale Wedding (Part 2)

Sorry... still working on this post...

5th Nov 2005 ~ The Fairytale Wedding (Part 1)

My brother & sister-in-law had planned this fairytale wedding 14 months ago. It’s quite stressful to note how much time & effort they put into this wedding. Not to mention the money spent too! Everything went well as planned. Here’s how the day went…

My brother’s “xiong-di” (secondary school buddies) arrived at our home at 7.15am. While they chatted and had breakfast, we were busy dolling ourselves out. Yes, the 2 princesses at home need to look pretty too!

We set off at 8am in a convoy of 5 cars. The groom drove his own car (actually my Dad’s car!) to fetch his bride while 4 other cars followed behind. I think we gained quite a bit of attention on the roads because I noticed many cars were giving way to us!

Arrival at the bride’s home means the start of games for the groom and his buddies. I wonder when this wedding tradition started. It’s quite fun actually. The bride’s friends asked some stupid quiz questions in Chinese, and made them do some tasks:

1. Collect 5 different types of hair to form the words: I Love You

2. Waxing ~ One buddy did it, but the groom still couldn’t escape. So they waxed off a small patch of leg hair from him!

3. The Unusual Breakfast ~ They had to eat a burger filled with kaya & wasabi. The guys had to finish up 3 cups of drinks too ~ ribena, plum juice & fruit punch?

4. The Lion Dance ~ They were given a red pail and red cloth to do a dragon dance! 1 of my brother's buddies used to be the school lion dance team so they did a pretty good & funny dance!

When it seemed like the gals still didn’t want to open the door, we pretended we’re going off. Then one of the buddies said the car park attendant is copying our car numbers. I think the gals believed it, coz they soon opened the door!

Once in the house, my brother & his buddies had to drink a big bottle of coke with a special label ~ the more they drink, the lesser amount of ang-pow money they have to give. The guys added in a “no” or “zero” in front of the amount on the label to trick them. So they didn’t have to pay anyway!

Finally after what seemed like ages, my brother could go and fetch his bride from her room, but not before naming all the good points on his bride from A-Z, plus sing 2 songs. He only managed excerpts from it coz he hardly remembers the lyrics.

Holding his princess out of the room, they paid their respects her parents & relatives thru the tea ceremony. With that done, we set off for the “Castle”.

Back home they did the tea ceremony with my parents & relatives. With that done, it’s buffet lunch time! We ate & mingled with the guests.

This wedding is like a reunion gathering where we met family friends & relatives we’ve not met for ages. Many were surprised to see the change in us, coz when we were younger, we were really plump. Now finally slim down after months of dieting, just for this day!

Managing expectations

I've been complaining & feeling upset over my bf's tendency to go missing, esp. on Sundays which is our "phone call day". After much "counselling" by my friend, I learnt to manage my expectations of him. I still expect a lot, but i know for now he won't be able to meet it. If i were to persist on it, it'd just cause more frustrations for myself & strain the relationship. Therefore I psycho-ed myself to let go a bit. And I realised I became happier. I made a little bookmark for him for no particular reason ~ just hope it cheers him up whenever he's tired/stressed. Struggled with a short love-letter in Japanese just to let him know how much I love him. Doing all that made me happy because I know he'll be happy receiving them.

We finally had our sunday call last weekend though it was just 30mins. Time limit was set by him! I didn't question abt the time limit ~ just happy that we could talk on the phone. After that Sunday call, I feel more relaxed & confident of the relationship. That call was an assurance to me that he's still serious about us.

This week i didn't email him everyday. He doesn't reply to all emails, but i'm ok with it. I hope with infrequent emails from me, he'd learn to appreciate & look forward to my emails.

Hmm.... think my bookmark & letter would reach him tomorrow.... wonder how he'd react...

Time for a career change?

When I was young, I wanted to become a doctor. But I was hopeless in Science subjects, so I changed ambition. I wanted to become a teacher. But my primary school & JC teachers advised me to seriously reconsider it. Then, Arts grads weren't in demand & my parents weren't supportive. Entering Business School was a wiser choice, they claimed. So I studied Business Administration, enjoying only the management modules. I developed an interest in Human Resources, because it gave me the opportunity to be of service to people on a more personal level. It gave me the opportunity to move into Training & Development, which to me, is like teaching as well.

My first HR job lasted 1 yr 8 mths. That's my best HR job ever, minus the stress, long working hours & fact that it's a 1-yr contract. I handled the full spectrum of HR then. I was providing admin/HR assistance to all employees. It was a dream job come true ~ serving employees on a more personal level.

But after my studies in Japan, I can't seem to find a similar dream job. My first was a 2-months temp HR position. For that, I can't expect much since it's just temp. My current job is a 1-yr contract. I thot it'd be similar to my dream job. It ended up to be so boring that I wonder if I can last for even 3 months! I'm no different from an admin clerk ~ typing letters & filing everyday.

However when I start searching for greener pastures, I realise I'm quite sick & tired of HR. Or sick of the corporate world. It's such a meaningless job. I'm doing it just because it's my job ~ no passion in it.

I've been toying with the idea of teaching. I guess it's influenced by my wish to work in Japan. With a boring HR job and strong desire to work in Japan, teaching seems like the best job now. I've checked out the courses available for teaching English. The fees are a little steep, and there is no guarantee that armed with a teaching cert, I can find a teaching job in Japan because I'm not a native-speaker (read: Ang moh).

Should I or should I not go for it? If I don't end up teaching, it doesn't hurt to earn an extra academic qualification, right? I've the time to spare too! But it's the money.....

What am I upset over?

I had been very upset over my relationship since last Saturday. It started out with a simple email from him saying he's busy during the weekend. Somehow it ended with me getting very upset over the direction of our relationship.

The next morning I had calmed down & emailed him as per normal, as if nothing happened. I told him I'm gona try applying for the JET Progm again. He was supportive. And talked about his day. But after I replied about my day, he MIA again when we were supposed to have our weekly phone chat. That made me really upset.

I thought of giving up. My frds & sis told me to look for greener pastures. I seriously thot of that. Why should I continue with this? Why should I get upset almost every other day over his MIA acts & reluctance to answer my questions? Why should I continue to swallow my pride and email him in the end with the sweetest tone that i can muster?

I looked through our exchange of emails on Sunday again. Everything seemed fine, if I can overlook the fact that he didn't reply me on the call. So what am I upset over?

I know he won't answer questions regarding our future because he doesn't even know what's in store for his own future. He's still preparing for his university exams. But he did briefly mention to me his future plans if he passes/fails the exams. He didn't exactly mention my role in his future plans though...

So now I wonder.... why am I pressing him for answers now?

I guess I'm lost in life now. No directions. So I cling on to him for directions.

I see my final destinatin as a dutiful wife to him. Because we did briefly talk about this very "far future" plans last month. So after my trip last month, I started saving up for our future. Started to consider possible job options to survive in Japan. And I told him all that. Hmm....I think it either scared him off or motivated him to work even harder to pass his exams...

Then came the issue of his parents. When I was staying there, I knew I'd have problems staying for long. I need lots of breathing space. I need to have my freedom to do what I like. Staying with his parents means the end to freedom and the start of an acting career. Sighz... I seriously cannot accept this. But guess for the time being, we can leave this issue aside....

Now, I'm going MIA. Just to give him a taste of his own medicine. I've been resisting the urge to email him, ask about his day etc etc since Monday. Let's see how long we can last on this MIA acts.

For those who're wondering....

My boyfriends knows the link to this blog.

I gave it to him 2 months ago. When I visited in Japan, he claimed he couldn't access the site. He probably typed the link wrongly or internet was down then...

I've no idea whether he tried to access it again, nor whether he's a regular reader now.

If he's been reading this, he's probably very pressurized. But he should know the mental & emotional distress he's causing me.

Hmm....think it'd be better if he's not reading my blog....

Going through the same s*** again

When I look at the state of my present relationship, I feel as if I'm back to those days when I was in love with the jerk.

Then, I waited for the jerk's calls/msg everyday even though i knew it'd come once every few weeks. Now, I wait for my bf's emails everyday even though i know it'd come once every few days if I take the initiative to email him first.

Then, the jerk didn't give me any promises but claimed to love me. Now, my bf refuses to answer my questions on our future but claims to love me.

Then, the jerk asked me to wait for him to come back from France after his 2-yrs studies. By then, he had lost interest in me, while i wasted my youth waiting 2 years for him. Now, my bf asked me to wait for him to pass his university entrance exams (till Mar 06) & studies (4 yrs). By then, I wonder what will be the outcome....

I wonder why I'm stuck with such guys. Guys who love themselves more (read: SELFISH). I had guys who loved me more than themselves, but I chose to give them up for selfish guys.

The saying "男人不壊、女人不愛" is so true!