Tell me how to keep my cool?

Once again, I lost my cool at Miyoko today. Scolded her and slapped her thighs. I know I shouldn't do that but I completely lost it.

She was crying for milk but when milk was served, she played with the teat. Took it away, she cried. Give her she plays again. Worse during meal times. Eat 1 spoonful, spit out a bit, suck fingers, lick highchair, turn head away. Continue 2nd spoonful, same scene again. Then completely refuse to open her golden mouth, cry for milk. Give her milk, drink half bottle, reject milk, wants to play. 1hr later continue feeding, eat 1 spoonful, suck fingers, lick highchair, turn head away. I walk away to cool off my boiling blood. She cries. I come back after 5mins to feed her. She eats 2-3 spoonful then starts her nonsense again. So I walk away again. She cries again. I come back after 5mins to feed her again.

The above happens 1-2x daily. Tell me how to keep my cool?

I should attend a "Anger Management" course or dump Miyoko to a childcare centre before I go crazy.

Cost of raising a baby

One day my sister asked me how much we spend on baby's necessities. So I listed down the items and realised it really costs quite a bit just to keep baby alive and clean.

Monthly Basic Needs
1. Milk powder: 2 tins of 1.8kg @$81 each = $162
2. Disposable diapers: 6 pc x 30 days @$0.30 each = $54
3. Baby cereal: 1 pkt @$7.30
4. Wet wipes: 2 pkt @$2 each = $4
Total = $227.30

Quarterly needs
1. Baby laundry detergent: 1 pkt @$5.90
2. Baby bottle cleanser: 1 pkt @$9.90
Total = $15.80

If I'm still breastfeeding, then I could have saved $162 monthly.
If I use cloth diapers in the day and disposables at night, maybe I can save at least $30.
If I can make baby accept porridge, then I can save on cereal.
If I make the effort to wash baby's butt at each diaper change, I can save 1 pkt of wet wipes.
If I use normal laundry detergent, I can save on expensive baby detergent.
If I use normal dish cleanser, I can save on expensive baby bottle cleanser.

Well, obviously the "Ifs" are not possible for me.

See my previous post and you know why I'd rather not save the $162.
I don't want to wash soiled cloth diapers daily. Waste water, waste detergent, waste my time. I don't want to get cheaper disposable diapers as I don't wish to risk baby getting nappy rash. Neither do I want to clean up the mess if diaper leaks.
Baby hates porridge no matter how I cook it. Sweet, savory, soft, hard, watery, drier version - All rejected. As long as it's porridge, it's rejected by our fussy girl.
I don't want to carry an increasing minimum load of 8.5kg to the wash basin 6 times a day and mess the toilet and myself.
I don't want to risk baby's eczema flare up due to harsh normal detergent.
I don't want baby's system to take in too much chemicals from normal cleanser now.

Guess I've to find other ways to cut down on baby expenses!

Woes of a cow

Much has been said about the benefits of breastfeeding but almost nothing about the difficulties of it. Lactation consultants, books and websites all state there’s no such thing as “No Milk”. As long as you nurse/pump regularly, milk will be produced. “Demand equals supply” they always say. “The more you nurse/pump, the more milk will be produced to meet that demand” they claimed. Even if one hasn’t studied Economics, it’s common knowledge that supply doesn’t always meet demand. Nor does demand always meet supply.

During baby’s 1^st week, she hardly peed or poo. The confinement lady was worried and asked me to pump out my milk to see how much baby is drinking. I only had 30ml. She said it’s probably isn’t enough and I should supplement each nursing session with formula milk first while waiting for higher supply to kick in. The first time baby had formula milk after I nursed her, she passed out black poo (Meconium). By right she should have cleared the black poo by 3rd day of birth, but that was on Day 6!

I belong to the low supply group. No matter how often I nurse or what I eat, I could not seem to meet her milk demands. It caused much unhappiness for us. I was often frustrated and tired with the hourly nursing schedule while my baby wasn’t full enough to take a nap after nursing. I was almost glued to the sofa as I nurse for 30-40mins, rest 20-30mins and baby cries for milk again. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I gave her formula milk after nursing. The first time I did it, my baby gobbled down the whole bottle hungrily, gave a satisfied look and dozed off for a long nap. It broke my heart. My insistence on total breastfeeding had starved my baby instead. I thought maybe I should just go on full formula milk. Didn’t we all grow up on formula milk anyway? I told my friend about my difficulties and intention to stop, but encouraged by her words, I decided to carry on for 3 months.

Everyday I looked forward to the end of 3 months. When 3^rd month was close, I thought maybe I can extend for another month. And maybe another month. Before I realized it, I had breastfed for 6 months. I was probably used to the nursing routine and enjoyed the special bonding between baby and me, that’s why I could carry on. However at 6^th month, I decided it’s time to stop. No more extension. I was feeling very tired and falling sick often. That made me easily irritable and I had no mood to interact with baby. All day I just think of making her take naps so that I too, can take a nap.

It has been 3 months since I stopped. I do miss that special bonding but I’m still bonding with my girl over toys, songs and lots of hugs. Although she suffers constipation more often now (due to formula milk & semi-solids), she’s otherwise very strong and healthy. I do not regret my decision nor feel too bad about stopping whereas other mums can do so up to 1 year old or older. They are efficient cows, I’m not. So why compare and make myself miserable?