Battle won?

The jerk called me last nite. I thot he wouldn't call again after i made so many excuses not to meet him this week. But he called... i was hesitant whether to answer the call... but did so coz the ringing's irritating me...I was not just cold to him... but VERY COLD. Expressionless voice & answers. I came up with all sorts of excuses not to meet... "Oh, CNY holidays so need to clear up work & do OT tis wk..." "quite bz with work & training after CNY.." "my free days are already booked by other frds..." "too tired after work to meet..." "why not meet in March? -- to which he replied he's going away in mid-Feb till mid-Mar" So i just went "oh, but mid-March i might have left for japan already... then meet in Oct lor"

Think he quite desperate liao, and asked whether meet 1 - 2 hrs for quick meal or something ok or not... and i gave the ultimate answer "There's no such need for it (to meet)". I think that put the message across to him very clearly that i don't wana meet him at all. We both went very quiet after that... and he ended the call by wishing me all the best in my job & have a safe trip. Does this mean i've won the battle? To keep him out of my life? I think he's hurt & confused by my actions... why i could be so mean to him... Or he's upset that his ego is bruised by me... that i'm "dumping" him in a way & giving up our friendship of 10 years, coz he knows that i like him very much. Well, that was in the past. He doesn't deserve my love & concern anymore.

I'm glad i held my stand to be cold & not meet him. Seems like a battle won huh? But i cried after that call. I duno whether i was relieved it's finally over or upset that it's really over. The thots that ran thru my mind at that moment was "Why does it hurt so much to be cruel/cold to another person?" "Why am i so weak/emotional?" "Haven't i let go?" I think if he hadn't called, i've almost forgotten his existence...When those qns ran thru my mind, my first reaction was to think of emailing Xiaolin, asking him the qns that i was thinking. I don't know why, but his words always seem to calm me down & help me think thru... i'm like a little gal always running to someone i trust & look up to for support in times of distress... But i didn't email in the end, coz it's too late at nite, and i find it "dangerous" to keep running to him for help... It would make me over dependent on him, and where it leads from there... i don't dare to think about it...

I briefly told Chong-san abt the call, but didn't tell her abt how i was feeling then. I'm always bothering her with my nonsense & problems... didn't want to make our usual chat into another counselling talk... Received Eve's reply today. Glad she isn't upset with my previous email. I'm happy for her, that she's making progress in her job-hunt. And she has in mind pretty good plans for her future even tho it's a little vague now. At least she has a clearer direction to work towards to....

I'm not exactly sure of my plans for the future... except that year of 2005 is gona be another "wandering year" ~ 7 mths of assignment, then back to Spore in Oct, and i'm not sure where to go from there. Still thinking of the WWOOF programme... prob try in Nov ~ Jan, then wait for reply of the teaching job... if fail to get the job, then get HR job... haiz... duno lah... see how it goes...