Bad start at work

When things weren't quite right on my 1st day of work last week, I should have known it's a bad omen for the weeks to come. I couldn't sleep last night as today's my official start at school. I was very worried about my timetable (which I only received this morning) and the classes I will be teaching. With 2 years of teaching experience in the Japanese school, I thought I will be able to handle the classes today. I was totally wrong.

I had only 2 classes today. Both are co-teach subjects where I will assist the trained teacher in class. My partner for the 1st class had to attend to some matters so I took the class on my own. It was a big culture shock to me. A nightmare.

A class full of 'ah bengs' & 'ah lians' whom I wish to cane & kick & throw dusters at. They ignored my presence almost totally. When I was writing on the board, some walked around freely, a couple of them opened the door to peep outside, the rest did their own things. Despite stern looks & tone, they weren't the least afraid and continued with their nonsense. Only a couple of them followed the lesson but they were lost most of the time due to all the distraction in class. I don't know how I managed to last thru the whole lesson.

The 2nd class was slightly better because the teacher has taught that group of bengs & lians for 3 years. But she also lost her temper & scolded some bengs for misbehavior. She used threats & sarcasm on some but it was only effective in keeping them quiet for 5 minutes. When I saw how she handled the class, I admired her ways of doing it. And when I think of how many years she's been teaching them, I salute her in my mind.

Compared to the monsters above, those little rascals in the Jap school whom I used to complain about seem like angels to me now. I believe many of the monsters come from broken families or have parents who are too busy to care or they mixed with the wrong people. The lecturer at the training workshop told us to 'love them' and when they like you, they will listen to you. I really can't make myself like them. I only see myself hitting their head & faces with a stick repeatedly with force now. It's like I want to kill them.

I've had those murderous visions when I first started out teaching a P3 class in the Jap school. And also when I had an irritating P5 boy the following year. However those kids usually responded to my stern warnings after some time. Plus there are usually only 1-2 such rascals in each class. Now we're talking about 30 monsters in a class of 35 humans.

I usually don't think of quitting after a day of work. Now I do. I can persevere on for a few months, but few years is impossible. Almost all the teachers tell me not to be too friendly with these students. They said I need to be stern until I build a rapport with them. But looking at the teacher in my 2nd class, having a rapport still required stern scoldings. I don't want to feel like I'm going for a battle everyday. I don't want to put on a fierce front and get angry everyday. I feel I'm not cut out for such battles. Although I want to teach & nurture the young, I'm not capable enough to handle monsters.