Heartbreaks in a foreign land

This was written months after my last heartbreak. I didn't feel sad about it anymore at that time.....just wanted to write my thots down.....to know what i was thinking then, to remind myself not to get myself into such a mess....and laugh at my own foolishness....

It’s tough to go thru heartbreaks…and I went thru 2 in a year in a foreign land. For both, I saw it coming but went for it anyway. Plain silly? Or too hopeful for miracles? I had always believed in loving a person and showering him with all my love & support. And I believed in letting a person know my feelings whether he reciprocates or not, coz it’s a blessing to be loved. I didn’t want to regret in future, wondering “what if …?” if I had reserved my feelings. But after these 2 heartbreaks… maybe I should reserve my feelings after all. When I’m too nice, they just take me for granted, and I end up being hurt most.

The 1st heartbreak was in Jan. The jerk and I was on a very vague 5-yrs on/off relationship. When I left for Japan, I held on to the hope that by the time I return, things can eventually work out between us since he’d be returning from Germany too. He called me almost every week no matter how short the call was. I was really looking forward to him coming over to Japan in Dec then. He was so serious about it, tho I had my doubts about his sincerity. Yet deep down in my heart, I was still hoping for a miracle.Well, as expected, he “disappeared” in Dec, reappearing in Jan without any mention of the proposed Japan trip. Then he dropped the bomb that he went overseas with someone else he liked in Dec. My heart sank. And that jerk, he obviously had intention of leading me on rite from the beginning. ‘Coz before telling me about that gal, he kept seeking my assurance that no matter what happened, we’d still maintain contact etc... And why did that jerk tell me about her? Well, he was experiencing problems with her, and wanted my support & advice.

Great...10 yrs of friendship, and he’s never mentioned the existence of this lady whom he’s been dating for almost a yr.Seeing him so upset, I didn’t bear to turn him away, so gave him some advice & encouragement. But that was it ~ the last time I’m gona be there for him. There’s a limit to my tolerance. I tried to shut him out of my life after that call (and he didn’t call me again after that anyway), until 4 months later when I saw him online again. Duno what came over me, but I decided to give him a piece of my mind.

Bombarded him with questions, and told him off ~ it’s obvious that I was really pissed off with him, but he tried to act blur, tried to avoid the topic, hinting that I’m probably in a bad mood. But no, I knew what I was doing. I finally found the courage to tell him it’s all over, that I no longer wish to have anything to do with him, not even as friends. We’ve had wonderful memories together…tho there were much more upsetting memories, but time has since healed it. It’s very difficult for me to end this but I had to do it. I needed a closure to all these in order to move on.

During Chinese New Year, Eve’s sister told her that if we throw 2 mandarin oranges into a river, and making a wish on our future partners, our wish will be answered. I had just suffered the blow from that jerk, so I thot… “no harm being superstitious for once”… so 2 of us crazy Sporeans went to throw oranges into a lake coz the river was too far ;p Eve wished for her current bf then (but kept it a secret until she really ended with him recently). I was vague coz I had no one in mind ~ just wished for someone who’d love me sincerely and treat me well. Probably that’s why being so vague, I’m still single! Hahahaa ;p

I had a summer romance (read: heartbreak) here. He’s probably a rebound from the jerk. And probably because I was still recovering from the jerk’s incident, I handled the whole thing very badly. Goodness… I was almost slipping into depression then. I’m glad to have friends who were there for me ~ Jaycee, despite being bz at work, talked to me online everyday. Eve, who made the effort to spend more time with me during this period. Liyuen, who checked on me every now & then. Without them, going thru this would have been really tough.Now that I look back, I find the whole affair very amusing. But I dun regret what I did. Even if it was a rebound, I did have some feelings for him, be a crush or not.

He’s one of the first few friends I befriended here. Very shy guy but quite funny at times. We were neighbours and we spent a lot of time together. The first 6 months was the happiest of all ~ often cooked & had dinner together, watched DVDs together, chatted till late nite and teaching him Chinese & piano. And all these were before the bomb from that jerk & my conclusion with him. I guess we were all lonely then and enjoyed having a companion with no strings attached.He moved out in April and I felt a sense of loss. We still met in school, talked occasionally and still had parties often. I was really happy to have him around.

After much consideration, I decided to give this a try. If it works out well, good. If not, just too bad. But he was gona return to Korea in October ~ leaving us with 3 months if things do work out. To me, time & location isn’t really a big factor. There’re people who maintain their relationship for years despite being miles apart, and people who break up even though they live in the same country. Either way, it depends on the couple’s will to keep it going. Because he’s so shy, he’d probably never make the first move even if he did liked me. Fine, I shall do it then.

First checked out his opinions on relationships etc ~ he was clearly very uncomfortable with the topic when I talked to him about it. His opinions? He’s so focused! The only thing on his mind was to get a job (career) then find a gf/wife. He’s been studying all these while and can’t wait to step into the working society. Balancing work & love was out of the question. I knew there and then this was a gone case.Anyway, we were supposed to have group outing 2 days after that but he gave lame excuses not to go when previously he was so on about it. I knew he was avoiding me, and I cried my heart out. After thinking it thru, I decided there’s no point crying over it ~ all I wanted was to save the situation. So I went to “confront” him…The “confrontation”.... hahaha… it’s like watching a drama!

We went to look for him at the student dorm. Should see how shocked he was to see us. He was watching TV at the kitchen then. But the moment we came, he was a little tensed up and soon after wanted to return to his room. And we followed him! While walking back to his room, I asked him for a little chat. Evelyn then conveniently disappeared, leaving us alone in his room.Here comes the drama script ~ I find it quite dumb but it’s really approx what we said then…hahaha ;p

He still kept asking what to chat about... then I said "Debrief for Tuesday’s outing". And he went "huh? What debrief?"
Me: Think things I said on Tues made u a little uncomfortable and I wana clear things up...
K: Huh? What things?
Me: Huh? U mean u never realized anything?
K: No... nothing…
Me: Ok, I dropped big hints…
K: Hmm… (silence)
Me: Ok, for my character, when I like somebody, I’d let that person know even if he doesn’t like me, and I dun expect anything in return. And I wana tell u that I like you.
K: (shocked face, but smiling away)
Me: What about you?
K: You are a friend to me.
Me: Have you ever liked me?K: I’m still searching for the right woman. (*this guy fails English comprehension!!)
Me: it’s ok. We’d still be like before?
K: Umm... (nods head)
Me: ok, done! Let’s go for XX-san’s drinking party now! (^_^)V

We acted as if nothing happened after that. Everything’s fine until he kept giving lame excuses again not to attend one of our gatherings weeks later. I knew it then that he hasn’t gotten over it. And it upset me very much. I was so full of optimism that things were back to normal ~ how naïve I was. Why didn’t I understand that some things will never be the same again? That’s the time I started to slip into depression. During that gathering, Ms Alcoholic ~ me! ~ finished the whole big bottle of plum liqueur undiluted coz it’s so delicious & gave more kick as well ;p Luckily it wasn’t anything stronger than that, else I’d probably be dead from liver failure! Broke out in red patches and got the rest of the Spore gang very worried that nite. Wonder how I managed to go to school on time the next day tho I was clearly very depressed from then on…Liyuen started coming over everyday after that to get me to jog with her. Guess it’s her way of checking on me, and keeping my spirits up…it did help in a way, talking to friends, jogging…

I finally recovered in Aug after Eve’s bday when she told him off & he apologized to me the next day. Come to think of it, he didn’t do anything wrong actually…hmm… why the apology huh? Things did go back to normal to a certain extent btw us after that. He’s since returned to Korea, but we do talk online occasionally, but I wonder when he can talk to me w/o having a favor to ask of me!He’s a very nice guy, and it’s just too bad that things didn’t work out. Probably it’s a blessing in disguise that it didn’t work out after all coz it’d be especially tough on me if we do plan to progress the relationship. I mean, to begin with, anything Korean doesn’t interest me the least bit ~ imagine having to stay in Korea for the rest of my life?!! and tho he’s older than me, thinking-wise… he’s still not that matured ~ not reached the level of maturity that I seek for in a guy, but I still liked him anyway…

OK, that’s my silly little love saga for my ¼th of a century year. Strange, why wasn’t my love life as interesting when I was in Spore? It all had to happen when I’m here. A tough year in love, but I’ve since gotten over it ~ able to talk and laugh at the whole saga without tears. But I admit that after these, I’m a little tired and afraid of relationships now though I long to settle down. Sighz…when will my knight in shining armour appear?

Bao – 16 Nov 04